ever wore a mask?


I guess...

i'm getting soft.




oh hahahahaha..

a true test of patience.

a real step of faith.


there's no holding back,
it's a commitment
and there's no way to turn back.


i've made my choice.

all in.

have you ever?


walked down east coast parkway in the evening?


all the way till the next day?

have you ever?

woke up to the smell of the jungle?
to a really bad cramp.
in the twilight moments,
let your mind slowing notice the surroundings.
and find that what you've been sleeping on is a totally uneven ground?

have you ever?
wondered why you were out sleeping in the middle of a field with two hundred other men?
felt yourself wishing you could talk to someone special?
wished that you could meet up soon?


and lastly,
-one which i loved, not because of the imagery of it, but because it is so special to me.

have you ever...
saw your own shadow cast by the moonlight?



But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant.

have you ever?



felt how it was like in a free fall?

jumped off a building and went head-first straight to ground zero at dead drop speed.


no strings attached yeah!


felt the blood rush to your head.
the adrenaline pumping.
have the wind billowing at your face.
your lungs drawing less air every feet closer to the ground.
reach a height of euphoria before you hit.


nothing in aggressive inline would come close to this.

love


whilst waiting for the uefa champions to secure their place as champions, i was happily watching the guardian. but anw, among all that stuff, someone said something harsh.

'love is blind'


now now, let us examine that statement for awhile.
and let me bring you to the far flung reaches of my fantasy.


i remember once while i was in infantry school, i was using the toilet, beside my best friend i got to know since the start. and on those urinals, they usually put these little quotes to encourage you. mine read,

" love is not about finding the perfect person, but seeing the imperfections on the special person, and loving her."


and it is true. love isn't blind, a person in love will be able to see the darker parts of the person who holds a special place in his heart, and still love that person.

said i to my friend, 'even if your girlfriend snores, it'll be music to your ears'
'even if she has BO, you'll be addicted to the smell'

and we laughed about it.
-but don't think i don't know that you probably told your girlfriend that when it was night time-
hahaha

anw,
my reply,
with a smile

'love never fails'

take a deep breath.

taken from an extract, tease



i've noticed that my 'y's are sometimes different.
And not to mention how out of topic i can go.

The next step
~break, break, break, break, break, break, break, break, break~

Was at the Uth meeting on friday with Matt. being the devious people we are, we waited for one another and ended up late. Did i mention that we waited at adams for each other to finish eating? oh whoops. my bad. ~tease~

admist my chess and plain, ~i ordered cheese and egg~ sweet and heat, we talked about where we were headed. amazingly i think we talked about what everybody at the meeting was talking about. It was an amazing time, after a long time of not meeting each other. seems like the past week has been a remiscence of the time we had earlier, was with chang and beverly eating at her place and we were talking about the past things that happened in the ministry.

then we entered the room.

one week ago i stumbled into the very same room when people were having prayer. there i saw for myself the future of the ministry. the people whom God has drawn to and the very same who will be the next driving force of the Uth. I prayed silently there that God would use these people and that someday further in my life, i would return to a different Uth, a better Uth than the one i would leave.

and we scrambled with composure to a seat.

the meeting was an assessment of the format we've been implementing the past year. And also to improvise on the way we were going to continue on from there.

back to my plain sweet cheese in heat.

i talked to matt about a need for a new group. that the army group will not do. He agreed. I talked about my plans in making a new group. a smaller group, a core group. it was not for fun, or for show, it was in hope of a better word.

the seat was hard.

the discussions there brought up one major point, we were not of the Uth anymore. It wasn't a point of rejection, or a point that we couldn't get along, it was the fact that we've grown up. Strange that all these while i've been trying to gain time. a foolish attempt, seeing i have neither stopped nor slowed the flow of time. yes i admit, i am afraid of growing up. Yes i foresaw this moment where we had to part and i have been distracting myself with other thoughts, hoping that i can stall this moment from happening.

Even as i dread the moment, in the meeting, thoughts flowed, like a dam suddenly burst, it came to me. that it was like the diagram ian drew of a tree symbolising the Uth and all the sub groups. What he didn't draw was a fruit from the tree that fell. that was us. In a way we have graduated, the time has come where we would have to forge our own path. it was not about getting back to find a place where we could fit in the Uth. no, that's silly, when did we see the fruit attempt to crawl back to the tree.. it was about us making our own way. we are still part of the Uth, but only in that we were once youths ourselves.


a picture i find relative to the topic i'm talking about now. it's a picture of me trying to fit into a toy car i had when i was much younger. obviously, i got stuck. the title? 'we've grown up'


And now in our own way we have to take a step forward. we have to start to impact the new ground in which we are on. i came to the realisation that my generation had no immediate older generation to follow. As such we were unprepared where we have gone. It is by God's grace that we have survved till now. I want to leave the ones after me with one thing at least, an example for them to follow.

it is scary i know. but then again i am not alone. Apart from God being with me all these while, there are three others he was called to my side. i have been praying for these three months before i even thought we might have to drop from the Uth. praying that God would show me the faces of the three that would remain truthful and faithful in changing the very world we live in. It is a strange feeling to pray for someone you haven't seen. like praying for a baby which isn't even born. Or praying for a life partner when you've never had a wife. -that phrase i remember- overall i believe i have my drafting plan. only thing now is meeting and preparing the the gun to sound.

the aim?
to form a core group of individuals united to one another in trust and transparency.
to be rooted firmly in the Word
to impact the world we live in.
to be Godly examples for the ones that will follow.

oh it will not stop here.

we have arrived here by His grace, in the same way will we go.

'get out of my head?'

you think i'm a thought? or a voice in your mind?

i am you.